I just don't understand why, in THIS day and age, that there is NOTHING more that these doctors can do to relieve my constant pain! Yes, I know that I have underlying conditions and that we need to deal with those! I know that taking pain meds is like "just putting a band-aid on" and not really dealing with the issues causing the pain! However, living this way is just UNACCEPTABLE!!! I do NOT understand why they can not get their acts together and figure out something that will help!
My Rheumatologist says, "Your numbers look great!" (Meaning my inflammation is under control.) "I don't know why you are still in so much pain." So... basically, I need to look somewhere else... 'cause it's not his problem. He's doing his job just fine.
So, I talk to my Pain Specialist... and, once again, he goes over my list of meds saying he doesn't understand why they aren't helping like they should. When I explain to him that I just don't understand why I can't get the pain meds that I have been on in the past (when I was released from the hospital in Beaver Dam in January) and on which I was able to function SOOO much better. I was able to play and interact with Millie like I want to... I was able to pay bills and make phone calls and deal with life like I need to... but most importantly, I was able to feel like a HUMAN BEING like I should be able to... once again!!! As we are talking he seems to understand what I am saying and what I am needing. However, then he starts talking about how we have to balance what we are doing now as to what we will be doing five years from now... and then kinda just dismisses the whole subject and moves on. And I leave his office...once again, feeling just the same, if not WORSE than when I walked in his doors!
Finally, I try my Primary Physician... I explain to him how, before I chose to have Marilla, I had a whole discussion with my (then) husband and we made a promise to ourselves that Bri would not be put in the place of being "another parent" or that it would become her job to be Millie's mother. I explain to him how I hate the fact that I can't do the things I should be able to do with her like take her to the zoo... or a park... or even most of the time, to be able to change her diaper!!! I stress, once again, that I just do not understand why SOMETHING can't be done! His response took me by surprise in such a way that I think I was in shock until many hours later! He looks me in the eye and says, "Marilla knows that you are her mother. She is not going to be confused about that Bri is her sister! She isn't gonna come in here some day and express how upset she is because her mother couldn't change her diapers. And every mother who comes in here wishes they could do more. Whether it is because of financial reasons, physical limitations, or time management problems... every mother has those feelings." (And this is the part I STILL can not believe...) Looking me right in the eye he says, "Its time you give up the fantasy and accept things the way they are..."
Ummmmmm.... EXCUSE ME!!??!! WHAT WAS THAT!!??!! Time for me to give up "THE FANTASY" that I could not feel pain EVERY DAY...almost every moment...of my life!!??!! Time to accept that my toddler shouldn't be able to go outside and explore... that she should be confined to the small living room space that I know I can handle getting around!!??!! SORRY MR. DOCTOR SIR... BUT NOOOO... THAT IS NOT SOMETHING I AM GOING TO DO!!! Especially when I KNOW that I still have a lot of room to play and to move up when we are dealing with pain meds!!!
How about y'all figure out how to do your jobs and relieve my pain TODAY... and we will deal with five years from now when we get to that point!!! I can not describe the frustration and disbelief I feel with this WHOLE situation!!! The only thing I can say is... Please pray, for me, for my docs... for some REAL RELIEF.... Pray that I, somehow, can become a human being once again...
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