I'm sitting here ONCE AGAIN at 3 o'clock in the morning trying to figure out how I can get away from this pain!!! I'm back to the place of contemplating going to the ER... just to possably get A LITTLE relief somehow! I can not get away from this pain! Its keeping me awake... and driving me CRAZY!!! And today (or yesterday I guess) was SOOO difficult!
Its such a struggle for me to watch Millie throw a fit simply because I won't let her crawl up on my lap... that I keep having to push her away and tell her no... that I can't laugh and play tickle buddy with her... ALL because of the pain that courses through my body more efficiently than any other function with in this skin! I'm not talking about being perfect... or a SuperMom... I'm just saying I need to be simply a Mother! I need to be able to hold my child and live a life with her! I mean, yes, I know there are moms out there who can't... who are paralysed or have digenerative diseases... but THAT'S NOT ME!!! I've got pain... they have meds to make it manageable... Give them to me already!!!
While talking with Bri last evening, I BURST into tears as I heard the sound of my own voice saying words that I can't even comprehend... "I've been living with constant pain everyday for the past four years!" HUH!?! ...FOUR YEARS!?! How the heck can that be? How is it that I am STILL sitting here feeling like this? I'm not talking about pain from an injury or pain from getting older. I'm not talking about pain from an old car accident or pain from too many years performing the same movements. I am talking about waking up one day and having my body completely betray me, out of nowhere! And I am talking about sitting here four years later and continuing to be betrayed!
My legs are on fire... my hands are aching... my feet feel like they've got a migrain headache emminating out from the heel... my arms are stinging like open wounds... my shins feel like someone is slicing and stabbing into them with a knife... my hair hurts from root to tip... and once again my skin is being rubbed back and forth on a cheese grader... bascially, I'm in pain! But the worst is what this crap does to my head! I just can not understand why my doctors can't or won't treat me with the pain meds I need to bring this pain down to a tolerable level!!! I know other people my age who are on MUCH higher doses of pain meds than I am... yet here I sit... MISERABLE! Don't they see... I don't care what meds I might need in five years!?!...especially if I don't make it that long! Don't they understand... without my littles in my life, I don't think I would be here to type this right NOW... forget about five years from now!!! Can they even begin to imagine how this feels? The answer is no, because if they could... they wouldn't be allowing it to continue!
So, now I'm sitting here at 4 o'clock in the morning... thanking God for those girls... and for my belief in and love for Him... because those three things are all that's kept me here! If I knew that the only thing after this was a nothingness... that all I would feel was no more pain... I'd find out the quickest way to get there and I'd be gone...
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