Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I Wasn't Goin' Crazy...
Well, I've had a little bit of relief the last day and a half or so. By this I don't mean that I was "pain free" by any means! However, I wasn't going crazy... thinking about going to the hospital again. It's been nice. I still think that there is more that needs to be done, and with winter just around the corner I don't hold out much hope that this will remain... however, it's been nice. It's nice to be able to hold my two year old in my lap... (I know the time she'll even want to do so will fly by WAY too fast!)... it's nice to be able to lift her into and out of her crib... (she's already climbing out of it herself WAY too often!)...it's nice to be able to smile and play "Tickle Buddy" and bounce her on my leg... (I pray THESE are the things she remembers when she is WAY too grown!)... It's nice to be able to be Momma!!!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
From Head to Toe, From Root to Tip...
I'm sitting here ONCE AGAIN at 3 o'clock in the morning trying to figure out how I can get away from this pain!!! I'm back to the place of contemplating going to the ER... just to possably get A LITTLE relief somehow! I can not get away from this pain! Its keeping me awake... and driving me CRAZY!!! And today (or yesterday I guess) was SOOO difficult!
Its such a struggle for me to watch Millie throw a fit simply because I won't let her crawl up on my lap... that I keep having to push her away and tell her no... that I can't laugh and play tickle buddy with her... ALL because of the pain that courses through my body more efficiently than any other function with in this skin! I'm not talking about being perfect... or a SuperMom... I'm just saying I need to be simply a Mother! I need to be able to hold my child and live a life with her! I mean, yes, I know there are moms out there who can't... who are paralysed or have digenerative diseases... but THAT'S NOT ME!!! I've got pain... they have meds to make it manageable... Give them to me already!!!
While talking with Bri last evening, I BURST into tears as I heard the sound of my own voice saying words that I can't even comprehend... "I've been living with constant pain everyday for the past four years!" HUH!?! ...FOUR YEARS!?! How the heck can that be? How is it that I am STILL sitting here feeling like this? I'm not talking about pain from an injury or pain from getting older. I'm not talking about pain from an old car accident or pain from too many years performing the same movements. I am talking about waking up one day and having my body completely betray me, out of nowhere! And I am talking about sitting here four years later and continuing to be betrayed!
My legs are on fire... my hands are aching... my feet feel like they've got a migrain headache emminating out from the heel... my arms are stinging like open wounds... my shins feel like someone is slicing and stabbing into them with a knife... my hair hurts from root to tip... and once again my skin is being rubbed back and forth on a cheese grader... bascially, I'm in pain! But the worst is what this crap does to my head! I just can not understand why my doctors can't or won't treat me with the pain meds I need to bring this pain down to a tolerable level!!! I know other people my age who are on MUCH higher doses of pain meds than I am... yet here I sit... MISERABLE! Don't they see... I don't care what meds I might need in five years!?!...especially if I don't make it that long! Don't they understand... without my littles in my life, I don't think I would be here to type this right NOW... forget about five years from now!!! Can they even begin to imagine how this feels? The answer is no, because if they could... they wouldn't be allowing it to continue!
So, now I'm sitting here at 4 o'clock in the morning... thanking God for those girls... and for my belief in and love for Him... because those three things are all that's kept me here! If I knew that the only thing after this was a nothingness... that all I would feel was no more pain... I'd find out the quickest way to get there and I'd be gone...
Its such a struggle for me to watch Millie throw a fit simply because I won't let her crawl up on my lap... that I keep having to push her away and tell her no... that I can't laugh and play tickle buddy with her... ALL because of the pain that courses through my body more efficiently than any other function with in this skin! I'm not talking about being perfect... or a SuperMom... I'm just saying I need to be simply a Mother! I need to be able to hold my child and live a life with her! I mean, yes, I know there are moms out there who can't... who are paralysed or have digenerative diseases... but THAT'S NOT ME!!! I've got pain... they have meds to make it manageable... Give them to me already!!!
While talking with Bri last evening, I BURST into tears as I heard the sound of my own voice saying words that I can't even comprehend... "I've been living with constant pain everyday for the past four years!" HUH!?! ...FOUR YEARS!?! How the heck can that be? How is it that I am STILL sitting here feeling like this? I'm not talking about pain from an injury or pain from getting older. I'm not talking about pain from an old car accident or pain from too many years performing the same movements. I am talking about waking up one day and having my body completely betray me, out of nowhere! And I am talking about sitting here four years later and continuing to be betrayed!
My legs are on fire... my hands are aching... my feet feel like they've got a migrain headache emminating out from the heel... my arms are stinging like open wounds... my shins feel like someone is slicing and stabbing into them with a knife... my hair hurts from root to tip... and once again my skin is being rubbed back and forth on a cheese grader... bascially, I'm in pain! But the worst is what this crap does to my head! I just can not understand why my doctors can't or won't treat me with the pain meds I need to bring this pain down to a tolerable level!!! I know other people my age who are on MUCH higher doses of pain meds than I am... yet here I sit... MISERABLE! Don't they see... I don't care what meds I might need in five years!?!...especially if I don't make it that long! Don't they understand... without my littles in my life, I don't think I would be here to type this right NOW... forget about five years from now!!! Can they even begin to imagine how this feels? The answer is no, because if they could... they wouldn't be allowing it to continue!
So, now I'm sitting here at 4 o'clock in the morning... thanking God for those girls... and for my belief in and love for Him... because those three things are all that's kept me here! If I knew that the only thing after this was a nothingness... that all I would feel was no more pain... I'd find out the quickest way to get there and I'd be gone...
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Walkin' On Down The Lane...
A friend of mine posted a request on facebook today looking for support and love to help her through a difficult time. She asked that we share with her a happy memory we have about her... Doing this, thinking about memories of times shared with her, brought me back to a time when I was the happiest I can remember! I went looking through my cds to find the pictures from those days... and as I looked through these pics that were less than six years old, I found myself face to face with memories that seem like they were a lifetime ago! I laughed right out loud... I felt the growl of old frustrations... I smiled ear to ear... and even came close to tears.
I am grateful for my friends request that lead me down memory lane today... those were GREAT times!!! Looking back at the pictures reminded me of times and people that I didn't realize I'd forgotten. I wish I had taken more photos...
I absolutely LOVED those days! I absolutely LOVED the girls I got to spend every day with! I absolutely LOVED learning and practicing new techniques! I absolutely LOVED being who I was back then! And now... now I am nothing of who I was! Physically I am no longer able to perform the techniques I learned... Mentally I don't think I could even learn and remember all I had to in those days... I don't even look like the same person I was back then! I used to feel happy... and healthy... and sexy... and "girlie"... and useful... In those days I felt like I could do anything, like I could conquer the WORLD! I was strong... and beautiful... and sexy... a leader... and looked up to... and sexy... ...and sexy... ...and sexy... What the HECK happened to me!!??!!
Somehow I know I will never be that person I was... but still hold out hope that I can feel all that AND MORE! I look in the mirror now and CHOOSE to see the beauty! And, one day, I hope to have a man in my life that shows me the affection I had back in those days... that I can once again feel like the SEXY woman I am inside! But this much I know... if that never happens... I am still SO VERY THANKFUL for those days... for the reality that I got to live, if even for just a while... Those were really the happiest days of my life... so far...
I am grateful for my friends request that lead me down memory lane today... those were GREAT times!!! Looking back at the pictures reminded me of times and people that I didn't realize I'd forgotten. I wish I had taken more photos...
I absolutely LOVED those days! I absolutely LOVED the girls I got to spend every day with! I absolutely LOVED learning and practicing new techniques! I absolutely LOVED being who I was back then! And now... now I am nothing of who I was! Physically I am no longer able to perform the techniques I learned... Mentally I don't think I could even learn and remember all I had to in those days... I don't even look like the same person I was back then! I used to feel happy... and healthy... and sexy... and "girlie"... and useful... In those days I felt like I could do anything, like I could conquer the WORLD! I was strong... and beautiful... and sexy... a leader... and looked up to... and sexy... ...and sexy... ...and sexy... What the HECK happened to me!!??!!
Somehow I know I will never be that person I was... but still hold out hope that I can feel all that AND MORE! I look in the mirror now and CHOOSE to see the beauty! And, one day, I hope to have a man in my life that shows me the affection I had back in those days... that I can once again feel like the SEXY woman I am inside! But this much I know... if that never happens... I am still SO VERY THANKFUL for those days... for the reality that I got to live, if even for just a while... Those were really the happiest days of my life... so far...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Livin' the Fantasy...
I just don't understand why, in THIS day and age, that there is NOTHING more that these doctors can do to relieve my constant pain! Yes, I know that I have underlying conditions and that we need to deal with those! I know that taking pain meds is like "just putting a band-aid on" and not really dealing with the issues causing the pain! However, living this way is just UNACCEPTABLE!!! I do NOT understand why they can not get their acts together and figure out something that will help!
My Rheumatologist says, "Your numbers look great!" (Meaning my inflammation is under control.) "I don't know why you are still in so much pain." So... basically, I need to look somewhere else... 'cause it's not his problem. He's doing his job just fine.
So, I talk to my Pain Specialist... and, once again, he goes over my list of meds saying he doesn't understand why they aren't helping like they should. When I explain to him that I just don't understand why I can't get the pain meds that I have been on in the past (when I was released from the hospital in Beaver Dam in January) and on which I was able to function SOOO much better. I was able to play and interact with Millie like I want to... I was able to pay bills and make phone calls and deal with life like I need to... but most importantly, I was able to feel like a HUMAN BEING like I should be able to... once again!!! As we are talking he seems to understand what I am saying and what I am needing. However, then he starts talking about how we have to balance what we are doing now as to what we will be doing five years from now... and then kinda just dismisses the whole subject and moves on. And I leave his office...once again, feeling just the same, if not WORSE than when I walked in his doors!
Finally, I try my Primary Physician... I explain to him how, before I chose to have Marilla, I had a whole discussion with my (then) husband and we made a promise to ourselves that Bri would not be put in the place of being "another parent" or that it would become her job to be Millie's mother. I explain to him how I hate the fact that I can't do the things I should be able to do with her like take her to the zoo... or a park... or even most of the time, to be able to change her diaper!!! I stress, once again, that I just do not understand why SOMETHING can't be done! His response took me by surprise in such a way that I think I was in shock until many hours later! He looks me in the eye and says, "Marilla knows that you are her mother. She is not going to be confused about that Bri is her sister! She isn't gonna come in here some day and express how upset she is because her mother couldn't change her diapers. And every mother who comes in here wishes they could do more. Whether it is because of financial reasons, physical limitations, or time management problems... every mother has those feelings." (And this is the part I STILL can not believe...) Looking me right in the eye he says, "Its time you give up the fantasy and accept things the way they are..."
Ummmmmm.... EXCUSE ME!!??!! WHAT WAS THAT!!??!! Time for me to give up "THE FANTASY" that I could not feel pain EVERY DAY...almost every moment...of my life!!??!! Time to accept that my toddler shouldn't be able to go outside and explore... that she should be confined to the small living room space that I know I can handle getting around!!??!! SORRY MR. DOCTOR SIR... BUT NOOOO... THAT IS NOT SOMETHING I AM GOING TO DO!!! Especially when I KNOW that I still have a lot of room to play and to move up when we are dealing with pain meds!!!
How about y'all figure out how to do your jobs and relieve my pain TODAY... and we will deal with five years from now when we get to that point!!! I can not describe the frustration and disbelief I feel with this WHOLE situation!!! The only thing I can say is... Please pray, for me, for my docs... for some REAL RELIEF.... Pray that I, somehow, can become a human being once again...
My Rheumatologist says, "Your numbers look great!" (Meaning my inflammation is under control.) "I don't know why you are still in so much pain." So... basically, I need to look somewhere else... 'cause it's not his problem. He's doing his job just fine.
So, I talk to my Pain Specialist... and, once again, he goes over my list of meds saying he doesn't understand why they aren't helping like they should. When I explain to him that I just don't understand why I can't get the pain meds that I have been on in the past (when I was released from the hospital in Beaver Dam in January) and on which I was able to function SOOO much better. I was able to play and interact with Millie like I want to... I was able to pay bills and make phone calls and deal with life like I need to... but most importantly, I was able to feel like a HUMAN BEING like I should be able to... once again!!! As we are talking he seems to understand what I am saying and what I am needing. However, then he starts talking about how we have to balance what we are doing now as to what we will be doing five years from now... and then kinda just dismisses the whole subject and moves on. And I leave his office...once again, feeling just the same, if not WORSE than when I walked in his doors!
Finally, I try my Primary Physician... I explain to him how, before I chose to have Marilla, I had a whole discussion with my (then) husband and we made a promise to ourselves that Bri would not be put in the place of being "another parent" or that it would become her job to be Millie's mother. I explain to him how I hate the fact that I can't do the things I should be able to do with her like take her to the zoo... or a park... or even most of the time, to be able to change her diaper!!! I stress, once again, that I just do not understand why SOMETHING can't be done! His response took me by surprise in such a way that I think I was in shock until many hours later! He looks me in the eye and says, "Marilla knows that you are her mother. She is not going to be confused about that Bri is her sister! She isn't gonna come in here some day and express how upset she is because her mother couldn't change her diapers. And every mother who comes in here wishes they could do more. Whether it is because of financial reasons, physical limitations, or time management problems... every mother has those feelings." (And this is the part I STILL can not believe...) Looking me right in the eye he says, "Its time you give up the fantasy and accept things the way they are..."
Ummmmmm.... EXCUSE ME!!??!! WHAT WAS THAT!!??!! Time for me to give up "THE FANTASY" that I could not feel pain EVERY DAY...almost every moment...of my life!!??!! Time to accept that my toddler shouldn't be able to go outside and explore... that she should be confined to the small living room space that I know I can handle getting around!!??!! SORRY MR. DOCTOR SIR... BUT NOOOO... THAT IS NOT SOMETHING I AM GOING TO DO!!! Especially when I KNOW that I still have a lot of room to play and to move up when we are dealing with pain meds!!!
How about y'all figure out how to do your jobs and relieve my pain TODAY... and we will deal with five years from now when we get to that point!!! I can not describe the frustration and disbelief I feel with this WHOLE situation!!! The only thing I can say is... Please pray, for me, for my docs... for some REAL RELIEF.... Pray that I, somehow, can become a human being once again...
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