Ready To Be One...

Well, lots has happened since my last post and I am going to try to get better about posting... about blogging... about journaling here in this public way. I want to share my life more... and in doing so maybe help myself and others.

Since my last post my mother has actually gotten much better. She has moved to a new facility that is more like an assisted living place than a memory care unit. This has been A LOT better for her in that she feels a lot better about herself, she likes her surroundings and she actually has formed some friendships with other people who live there. This reason especially makes me think that in some ways she is even better off there than she is... or was... at "home." I have talked to her for years about how important I thought it was for her to get involved with other people. I am SO glad that she is getting that chance now!!! I just wish that our relationship was the way it was before she got sick. Unfortunately, while she was sick and not aware of what was going on there were some relatives who were able to get their evil hooks into things once again and created situations that have changed everything for good. But even in all that I have lost and wish was different than it is now... I know God has bigger plans for me and that things will work out in the long run. All I need to do is trust in that fact and follow what I am supposed to do... and not do. I pray that my mother and I can be close again someday... but only if it is in a healthy way. I've had WAY TOO MANY relationships that, at their core, have been abusive. I do not need to have anymore of those experiences. There are people out there who are filled with true joy and happiness and love surrounds them. I'm ready to be one of them!

Glimpses Of Clarity...

Good Morning! Well, its the day after Mother's Day and I just don't know how to feel. This is the first year I've had to go visit my momma somewhere other than her home. I went to the place she lives, but it simply isn't her "home!!!" I know that that is where she will most likely be for the rest of her life... but I just don't see that ever being "home!" Maybe its just because its all so new, or maybe because she seems to almost be back to herself. In sitting there yesterday, talking with her for over an hour, there were only a couple of things that seemed "off"... or, at least that I noticed. It is SOOO hard, when she seems sooo much like herself, to accept MY mother has dementia!!! I'm scared for how greatly my life is going to change now! Over the last few years she has really become one of my best friends. My circle of family and friends... who affect my life... who are there on a daily basis... who, I've learned, will leave a hole in my life when they are removed in any way from my sharing my life with... consists of my Mother, my Dad, and my girls! The loss I feel right now is more than I could have EVER expected! Knowing that this disease will continue to progress and progress until instead of there being small glimpses of her dementia there will be small glimpses of clarity. And that is the scariest of all! I miss my momma soooooo much already!... How will I ever be able to make it through the gradual and visible loss of her... completely!?!

I Wasn't Goin' Crazy...

Well, I've had a little bit of relief the last day and a half or so. By this I don't mean that I was "pain free" by any means! However, I wasn't going crazy... thinking about going to the hospital again. It's been nice. I still think that there is more that needs to be done, and with winter just around the corner I don't hold out much hope that this will remain... however, it's been nice. It's nice to be able to hold my two year old in my lap... (I know the time she'll even want to do so will fly by WAY too fast!)... it's nice to be able to lift her into and out of her crib... (she's already climbing out of it herself WAY too often!)...it's nice to be able to smile and play "Tickle Buddy" and bounce her on my leg... (I pray THESE are the things she remembers when she is WAY too grown!)... It's nice to be able to be Momma!!!